Today, I’m in an odd place. I had a long weekend filled with activity. Now, I’m finding myself in a place filled with frustration and apathy.
Over the weekend I worked with the MARC team to provide support for a bicycle charity ride. MARC stands for Motorcycling Amateur Radio Club. The club puts motorcycles on the route to provide safety and support during the ride. It’s a great cause, and I enjoy the work.
This particular event was for Multiple Sclerosis Society. The first day starts in Irvine and travels to Carlsbad. The second day travels from Carlsbad to Mission Bay, in San Diego. The ride is up to 150 miles, with several shorter rides available.
I don’t ride a motorcycle any longer, but I provide SAG support, that stands for “Support And Gear”. I travel the route with inner tubes, a pump, first aid supplies, water, tools, and a few other things. I also have amateur radio equipment in my car so I can stay connected to others on the route.
I was up early both days, as riders start at 07:00. We stayed in a hotel for the night, the bed wasn’t very good. This on top of my challenges sleeping in new places resulted in much less sleep than I hoped for.
I was done at about 15:00 on Sunday. I started home at about 15:30, one of the riders with MS collapsed and needed a ride. They needed a ride to Ocean Beach, which I provided. it was about 16:30 when I started home. It was a long and hard ride home in traffic.
With that weekend behind me, I started Monday. Up early to get the trash out. I was initially excited about the day. The Google Chrome Dev Summit started this morning and continues through tomorrow. I watched four talks, then I was overwhelmed with a feeling of not being able to do this kind of work any longer. I just don’t care.
There is so much to learn, and I just can’t muster to focus to learn it. This is the beginning of a downward spiral for me as I have also noticed a lack of desire to be around others. I’m afraid my ongoing battle with depression is getting worse again. I think there are some common symptoms of depression, but each person experiences it differently. For me, the general feeling of apathy is probably more frustrating than anything. People telling to you “snap out of it” is next in line.
With a long history of depression, I’ve learned to recognize my symptoms and have called in the professionals to help get me back on track.
I don’t know if I’m going to end up in therapy again or if they are going to change my medications. Something is going to change, I just don’t know what. I can’t keep seeing “major depressive disorder” on my medical paperwork…it is…well…depressing.
Sometimes I force myself to go out and do things. At the same time, I hate doing things when I’ve forced myself. Performance anxiety starts to set in…what if I can’t get a good picture, or I can’t walk far enough, or don’t find someone to talk to on the radio. The feelings of inability are truly debilitating at times.
What do I do now? I make appointments, keep up with my commitments as best I can, try to plan for the future, dream about a different life, wonder if depression is going to be a part of my life forever, worry about my growing to-do list, try to get over the feeling I’m unemployable, and try to enjoy something, anything. It’s exhausting and completely non-productive.
I’ve been told a bunch of times to not make big decisions about life changes when I’m in this mood. At the same time, I wonder if my mental state is a result of decisions made earlier in life. Great, something else to worry about…
I feel like I could ramble forever…but I won’t.
I welcome your thoughts.